this is long.

I am having a hard time as of late with the way things have grown to be. I don’t know if it is the surgery, or the fact that I don’t look the same, or the fact that this will be our fifth year in this apartment but I feel like my overall happiness has taken a hit. A big hit.

I want to move, in more than one sense of the word. I want to move away from the Valley and find some new adventure somewhere else. I want to be the person that leaves, not the person always being left. At the same time I am terrified of living more than ten minutes away from my parents. It is not like I see them every day but it is a sense of security that I don’t think I could part with and maintain my current mental health. Heaven forbid something happens to one of them and I am not here. I am so used to being the anchor but I want to float.

I want to move in the physical sense as well. I want to run and dance again but I am forced to ‘take it easy’ for at least another week. I did yoga the other day, not even much, and I was curled into a ball on the bed by five PM. This stagnent point in life has gotten old.

I am ready to be done with school, with the college, with that entire world and all the people in it. At this moment I don’t care if I pass my classes and I don’t care if the paper has a business manager next year. As miscue would say “my give a damn is broken”

I don’t look like I did in the beginning of January and I honestly can’t handle that right now. We went to breakfast today and I had to tell a waitress whom I have known for five years what was going on when she boldly asked “what happened to your eye?” Made me want to crawl into my apartment and never leave again. So many ugly feelings.

I have the urge to disconnect. Delete the facebook, and all my other internet ties out of frustration with my current situation. My computer is fucked up for the next few weeks so maybe that will help with the utter annoyance I have with social networking at the moment. Maybe the break will be nice. I will still pop in here, because here is my happy place.

I don’t know what I need to do to make myself happy. Is it a vacation? is it a change in pace? Do I just need to start telling people to go to hell?

All I know is how I feel right now and it is dangerously unhappy.